Karaoké Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) Benny Hill

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground

And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round

And he galloped into market street his badge upon his chest

His name was Ernie and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Now Ernie loved a widow a lady known as Sue

She lived all alone in Liddley

Lane at number twenty two

They said she was too good for him

She was haughty proud and chic

But Ernie got his coco there three times every week

They called him Ernie and he drove the fastest

Ernie milk cart in the west

She said she'd like to bathe in milk he said, all right, sweetheart

And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up the cart

He said, do you want it pasturize?

'Cos pasturize is best

She says, Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest

And that tickled old Ernie and he drove the fastest

Ernie milk cart in the west

Ah-ooh

Now Ernie had a rival an evil-looking man

Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van

He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread

And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head

She nearly swooned at his macaroon

And he said no if you treat me right

You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night

He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way

And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day

Poor Ernie and he drove the fastest

Ernie milk cart in the west

Ah-ooh

One lunch time

Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door

It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four

And as he lept down from his van hot blood through his veins did course

And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse

Whose name was trigger and he pulled the fastest

Trigger milk cart in the west

Now Ernie rushed out into the street his gold top in his hand

He said, if you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man

Oh, why don't we play cards for her?

He sneeringly replied

And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side

Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun

They stood there face to face and Ted went for his bun

But Ernie was too quick things didn't go the way Ted planned

And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand

Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart

And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart

And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust

Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and

Ernie bit the dust

Poor Ernie and he drove the fastest

Ernie milk cart in the west

Ernie was only fifty two he didn't wanna die

And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky

Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned

And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land

But a woman's needs are many fold and soon she married Ted

But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed

Was that the trees a-rustling?

Or the hinges of the gate?

Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?

They won't forget Ernie and he drove the fastest

Ernie milk cart in the west