Karaoké Bringin' Back Christmas Spirited (Ryan Reynolds)

Look

Real trees are trendin' downward

Your sales continue slipping

They destroyed your bottom lines with plastic pines and same-day shippin'

Well you've got the better product but if you wanna win

You gotta study human nature

All those interested lean in

People are one

Lazy

We only care about ourselves

Your competition knows this so their crap flies off the shelves

But we're also two

Desperate to feel good, smart, and right

And that's what you have to harness if you wanna win this fight

See what you're really sellin' is the way things oughta be

So your pitch becomes compellin'

Sellin' more than just a tree

It's a symbol of your values

It's your ethics and your cause

You can either be fake like the trees they make or take a stand for Santa Claus

We're bringin' back Christmas

We're bringin' back cheer

We're bringin' back cozy nights

Those twinkly lights

The glow of yesteryear

Now it's some slight manipulation but it's what we've gotta do

See we need some confrontation or your message won't get through

We're bringin' back decency

We're bringin' back Christmas

And that means the piney scent of a real authentic tree

Oh it would be sure simple to boost your market share

We'd rebrand you as nostalgic

Tell your customers you care

But the world is what

Tribal

So if you want your sales to soar

It's not enough for folks to love you

They gotta hate your rivals more

As an expert my advice is

Feed that hate 'cos hate is strong

Folks'll gladly pay your prices to prove those

Christmas-killers wrong

And all the joy that we've lost

Gimme some peace on Earth

A virgin birth

And grandpa gettin' sauced

Every Facebook-lovn' boomer wants to fight a culture war

So tell your core consumer what the hell they're fightin' for

We're bringin' back Christmas

And it's not comin' back with some manufactured tree

I'm talkin' a livin' tree in your livin' room

As I reach up to place the angel on top

I look out my window and I see my neighbor

Doug

'Cross the street

Snappin' together his artificial tree

Easy peasy

Poor

Lazy

Deplorable Doug

Who cares more about convenience than the happiness and respect of his town

Of his country

Of our sacred holiday

I'm talkin' nativities and sweet baby Jeez

Fat honey hams

Mariah Carey jams

Feliz Navidad and the birth of our God

We're bringin' back Christmas

We're bringin' back Christmas

Plus a ton of cash

From some good old-fashioned trees

We're bringin' back Christmas