Karaoké Your Horoscope for Today Weird Al Yankovic

Aquarius

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speedin' bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playin' Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the true

Lord of the Dance no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus

You will never find true happiness

What you gonna do

Cry about it

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up

Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today

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That's your horoscope

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

Yay yay yay yay yay

That's your horoscope

That's your horoscope for today

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while takin' your driver's test

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face

Oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored puddin' then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today

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That's your horoscope

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

Yay yay yay yay yay

That's your horoscope

That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets

And the stars could have a special deep significance or meanin' that exclusively applies to only you

But let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid scientific

Documented evidence so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize

That every single one of them is absolutely true

Where was I

Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you

Laughter is the very best medicine

Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screamin' from an open window

Work a little bit harder on improvin' your low self-esteem

You stupid freak

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughin' behind your back

Kill them

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hangin' in your den

Capricorn

The stars say that you're an excitin' and wonderful person but you know they're lyin'

If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never

Never, never, never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today

Yay yay yay yay yay

That's your horoscope

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

Yay yay yay yay yay

That's your horoscope

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

Yay yay yay yay yay

That's your horoscope

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

Yay yay yay yay yay

That's your horoscope for today