Karaoké 8 Dates Why Am I So Single? (Jo Foster)

So a month ago or so

I was feelin' super confident and sexy and so of course

I figured Hey you know what

I'm just gonna put myself out there and organize some dates

But oh my babies there are dates and then there's stuff

I've been gettin' up to

Friday night

I had pinned a date in the diary with a boy from Tinder

Six foot three

Worked in the city

Borin' job but he were pretty

He said

Where and when

I said Meet at ten

Kinda late but it gave me a bit more time to make sure I looked fit

Have a shower

Style my hair

Spend an hour on what to wear

Paintin' my nails and shavin' my face and makin' my bed just in case

Put me favorite Beyoncé on

Drink a glass of Sauvignon Blanc

I'm lookin' so glamorous feelin' alright and I text the boy

Still on for tonight

It's gettin' late

Yeah and I can't wait

Yeah

To head home 'cos I'm actually knackered

Are you free next week instead

Sure

Don't worry

So sorry

Just let me know when

No hurry

Hey girl

Hey girl

Let's go out

The second I hit the floor everything from before fades away 'cos I'm dancin' from the window to the wall

Who cares about that guy who left me high and dry

It's no big deal and it doesn't affect my self-esteem at all

'Cos I might have had one date cancelled but I'm feelin' fine about it

So yeah these things happen

Yeah exactly it was no big deal

I mean sure

I wasted a bit of time shavin' my legs

Never mind 'cos one week later

I met a cute gallery curator

Wanna rip off his double denim

Make his bed like Tracey Emin

So we set a date

Wednesday at the Tate

Then he cancelled but he said

Hey let's do Saturday instead

One more day for gettin' ready

Haircut, wet shave, mani-pedi

Pop all my pimples

Primp up my face

Haven't wanked all week just in case

Gettin' nervous

Google Van Gogh

Down a pint of Cabernet Sauv'

Order an Uber and when they arrive

I text the boy

Hey see you in five

You on your way

Hey

Hello

Hey girl

It's fine

Oh not again

Let's go out

The second I hit the town forget he let me down and I get down 'cos the club can't even handle me right now

Won't chop off my ear for boys who don't appear

It's no big deal and all art is pretentious bullshit anyhow

So I might have had three dates cancelled

Hey really sorry

Only just got home and charged my phone

Listen uh

I've had an absolute nightmare

But I'm feelin' fine about it

Took a risk with date number four

Bit awkward 'cos we snogged before

But I thought he might not dismiss me 'cos at least once he tried to kiss me

He said

Okay sure

I've got a rugby tour

But I've got time before my flight so call me up later on tonight

Pluck my brows

Ring him on the phone

Hear the international dial tone

Date number five and I'm excited

Feels like this time somethin's right

He didn't seem like the type to

Oh my gosh

No of course it's totally fine

Oh appendicitis is the worst

You get that thing out of there

Ha ha ha

Date number six

I'm feelin' shoddy

If he cancels might kill somebo-

Date number seven

Date

Date nine

Now the first one's back in touch

Do I always sweat this much

Says he'll meet me at the bar

Yay can't wait

Ha ha ha

Wash me body for an hour

You can't see tears in the shower

Tissues and ice cream already in place

Downloaded Titanic just in case

Pause before me full-length mirror

Analyse me every flaw

Come to accept

I'll be fine on my own

As I crawl into bed go to turn off me phone

Work kept me late so sorry I went straight

To the bar but I'm a bit early so no rush, can't wait

Are you sure

I mean great

Just headin' out the door

Hey girl

No he's there

I'm on my way

What

I'm goin' out

Wooh

The second I hit the bar

I spot him from afar and I know my heart will go on near, far, wherever you are

I pull up a chair

There's magic in the air as he leans in and says

Have you done somethin' new with your hair

Someone cares

Aah

I seem to make him laugh

He's friendly to the staff

And he tells me about the stock exchange for an hour and a half

He says This was fun

Walks me home at half past one

He asks if I've got any plans this weekend, I said None

'Cos I might have had one, two three, four five, six, squish, uh uh

Cicero, Lipschitz seven, eight dates cancelled

Cancelled

But number nine was alright